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Gunney's Sack of Jokes 7
A Postal worker, at the main sorting office, finds an unstamped, poorly handwritten envelope, addressed to God. He opens it and discovers it is from an elderly lady distressed because all her savings - $100 - has been stolen. She will be cold and hungry this Easter without divine intervention.
He organizes a collection amongst the postal workers, who dig deep and come up with $96. They get it to her by special courier that same morning.
A week later the same postal worker recognizes the same handwriting on another envelope. He opens it.
"Dear God, Thank you for the $100 for Easter, which would have been so bleak otherwise.
P.S. It was four dollars short, but that was probably due to those thieving bastards at the Post Office!"
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder in the bartender's face.
Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this." Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see a psychoanalyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they come." The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being. Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine. "I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face. The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he spluttered. "On the contrary," the man said," he's done me a world of good." "But you just threw the wine in my face again! "the bartender exclaimed. "Yes" the man said. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore!"
Here's a little part of U.S. history which makes you go h-m-m-m. Have a history teacher explain this if they can.
And here's the kicker...
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate.
Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground.
As he looked around, wondering what to do, he spotted a pitchfork leaning against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne he would be able to take flight.
Unfortunately, he was wrong. He dropped like a rock, splattering against the floor.
The moral to the story: Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit.
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"
Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here & it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever & who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are & will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam & he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam & was a companion to him & loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content & wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord & said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever & who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy.
And the Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.
Q: What's the difference between a married man and a bachelor?
A: One kisses the Mrs and the other misses the kisses
Q: Why did the tomato start blushing?
A: Because it saw the salad dressing!
Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A: Because it had no guts!
A cowboy was walking across the beach by the ocean when he stumbled upon a small vase.
He picked up the vase and shook it, and out popped a genie. The genie said "I am really not lost but I will grant you one wish for your troubles".
The cowboy thought and said "I would like a highway built from Wyoming to Hawaii so I can ride my horse to Hawaii".
The genie thought and said "That will take many years and thousands of tons of dirt and pavement. Is there anything else you might want?"
The cowboy thought and said "Yes. I want to understand women."
The genie replied, "Would that highway be two or four lanes?"
My uncle once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.
On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.
"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind."
The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?"
My uncle responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Packer Fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Packer Fans too. No one really knew what a Packer was, but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kris who has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Packer fan." Then, asks the teacher, what are you? "Why, I'm a proud Bear Fan," boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kris why she is a rebel. "Well, my mom and dad are Bear Fans, so I'm a Bear Fan too." The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kris, "I'd be a Packer Fan"
Three guys are discussing their previous night's love making.
The Italian guy says, "My wife, I rubbed her all over with fine olive oil. then we make wonderful love, she screamed for 5 minutes".
The Frenchman says, "I smooth sweet butter on my wife's body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for half an hour".
The Jewish guy says "I covered my wife's body with schmaltz (Chicken fat). We made love, she screamed for six hours".
The others say, "Six hours? How did you make her scream for six hours?"
He shrugs, "I wiped my hands on the drapes!"
At the start of a meeting of world religious leaders, a secretary rushed in shouting, "The building is on fire!"
The Methodists gathered in a corner and prayed.
The Baptists cried, "Where is the water?"
The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.
The Lutherans posted a fire notice on the door.
The Catholics passed the plate to cover the damage.
The Jews held a special observance.
The Congregationalists shouted, "Every man for himself!"
The Fundamentalists proclaimed, "It's the vengence of God!"
The Episcopalians formed a procession and marched out.
The Christian Scientists concluded that there was no fire.
The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson to appoint a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report.
The Unitarians proclaimed the fire had no power over them.
The secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire out.
The Mormons arrived late for the meeting, and missed the fire completely.
A Jewish man moved into a strict Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday, the Catholics practically went crazy.
While they were eating fish, the Jew was in his backyard barbecuing steaks.
So, the Catholics finally decided to try and convert the Jew to Christianity. Finally, by long endurance, the Catholics succeeded. They took the Jew to a priest who sprinkled holy water on him and said, "Born a Jew, raised a Jew, now a Catholic." The Catholics were ecstatic.
No more delicious, but maddening smells every Friday evening! But the following Friday, the scent of barbecued steak wafted through the neighborhood. The Catholics all rushed to the Jew's house to remind him of his new diet. They found him standing over the sizzling steak, knife in one hand, his other hand dipped in a glass of water. He sprinkled water over the meat, saying, "Born a cow, raised a cow, now a fish!"
To be sure we get an accurate count, and in order to properly allocate funds, it's important to complete all the questions. Last name: ________________________ First name: (Check appropriate box) (_) Billy-Bob (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack What does everyone call you? (_) Booger (_) Bubba (_) Junior (_) Sissy (_) Other___________________ Age: ____ (if unsure, guess) Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right Occupation: (Check appropriate box) (_) Farmer (_) Mechanic (_) Hair Dresser (_) Unemployed (_) Dirty Politician (_) Preacher Spouse's Name:_________________________ 2nd Spouse's Name:______________________ 3rd Spouse's Name:______________________ Lover's Name:___________________________ Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box) (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_) Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) Pet Number of children living in household: _____ Number of children living in shed: ______ Number that are yours: ______ Mother's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank) Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank) Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) Do you (_) own or (_) rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box) Total number of vehicles you own: ___ Number of vehicles that still crank: ___ Number of vehicles in front yard: ___ Number of vehicles in back yard: ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___ Model and year of your pickup: 196_ Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed Do you have a gun rack? (_) Yes (_) No; If no, please explain: Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_) The National Inquirer (_) The Globe (_) TV Guide (_) Soap Opera Digest (_) Rifle and Shotgun Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____ Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:_____ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:_____ How often do you bathe: (_) Weekly (_) Monthly (_) Not Applicable Color of eyes: Left______ Right_____ Color of hair: (_) Blond (_) Black (_) Red (_) Brown (_) White (_) Clairol Color of teeth: (_) Yellow (_) Brownish-Yellow (_) Brown (_) Black (_) N/A Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_) Red-Man How far is your home from a paved road? (_) 1 mile (_) 2 miles (_) just a whoop-and-a-holler (_) road?
I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.
I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life."
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.
I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch -- holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.
I've learned that you should pass this on to someone you care about.
Sometimes they just need a little something to make them smile.
At a posh Las Vegas casino, a blackjack dealer and a player with a 13 count in his hand are arguing about whether or not it is appropriate to tip the dealer. The player says, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously has nothing to do with that either, so why should I tip him?"
The dealer replies, "When you eat at a restaurant do you tip the waiter?"
"Yes," the gambler concedes.
"Well then, he serves you food; whether it's good or bad isn't up to him. By the same token, I'm serving you cards, so you should tip me."
"OK," says the gambler, "but the waiter gives me what I ask for. I'll take an 8."
A man walks into a supermarket and buys:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
The girl at the checkout says, "You must be single!"
The guy sarcastically says, "Gee, how did you guess?"
The girl at the checkout says, "Because you're really ugly."
At about 3 a.m., a guy was drunk as a skunk. He came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, he cuckooed nine more times, hoping his wife would think it was midnight.
He was very proud of himself.
The next day, his wife asked what time he got home, and he replied, "Midnight, just like I said."
She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When he asked why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said 'Crap!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize that he had lost his cigarettes.
In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He got out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in.
"Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway."
"Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet."
A watermelon farmer was determined to scare off the local kids who went into his watermelon patch every night to eat their fill.
After some thought, he made a sign that read, "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS HAS BEEN INJECTED WITH CYANIDE!"
He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.
A week later, the farmer was surveying his field. To his satisfaction, no watermelons were missing, but a sign next to his read, "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"
A certain Senator was sitting in his attorney's office. His lawyer said, "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?"
"Give me the bad news first," said the Senator.
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" asked the Senator incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
A timid little man ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and, clearing his throat, asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man wearing biker leathers with his body hair growing out of the seams turned slowly on his stool. He looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four-week-old puppy."
"Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"
"It appears that he choked on it, sir."
There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper, and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner: "This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.
"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." And he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline. So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker.
He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan). That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression.
When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm. "Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says.
And in they go. The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word.
So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet. So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.
"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.
Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."
The southern preacher rose with a red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, " Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet. Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous *blond* with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan. I told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.
As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3 year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out her 2 fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reaches out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy is gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said," What's wrong honey?"
"Mommy, where's my booger?"
This guy and girl were making out and all of a sudden the girl stops and says to the guy "I think I just swallowed your gum"
He replies "no, I was just clearing my throat"
This is a story about four people: Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was this important job to be done and everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure that somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that because it was everybody's job. Everybody thought that anybody could do it, but nobody realized that everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that everybody blamed somebody when actually nobody asked anybody.
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.
"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.
"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters.' They are married to God."
"Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."
"You're in incredible shape," the doctor said. "How old are you again?"
"I am 78." The man said.
"78?" asked the doctor. "How do you stay so healthy? You look like a 60 year old."
"Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married that whenever she got mad she would go into the kitchen and cool off and I would go outside to settle down." the man explained.
"What does that have to do with it?" asked the doctor.
"I've pretty much lived an outdoor life."
A Doberman, a collie and a Chihuahua were sitting at a bar. A poodle comes up to the bar and says, "Whoever can use liver and cheese in a sentence I will marry!"
The Doberman thinking he had a chance says, "I LIKE liver and cheese!" The poodle was not impressed.
"Oh please!", said the poodle "you have to be able to do better than that!"
The collie also thinking he had a chance, says, "I HATE liver and Cheese!" The poodle sighed and said, "That was original!"
So the smart-ass Chihuahua pipes up, "I can beat both of those sentences!" The poodle says, "O.k. give it your best shot."
So the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone Cheese mine."
Sixth grade science teacher Mr. Sampson asks his class, "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Nobody raises a hand, so he calls on the first student to look his way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "Sir, how dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"
Mr. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. He asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.
"Yes, Sam?" says Mr. Sampson.
"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."
"Very good, Sam. Thank you."
Mr. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: First, you have a DIRTY mind. Second, you did not do your homework. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."
You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of December.
Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform.
I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school.
I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.
What balls do you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid whistle and a pair of socks. What the fuck were you thinking, you fat son of a bitch, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree.
As if you hadn't fucked me enough, you gave that little faggot across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into his house.
Please don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year. I'll fuck you up. I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back to the fucking North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn't get me that fucking bike.
FUCK YOU SANTA.
Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-A-BITCH.
Ally McBeal
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