Gunney's Sack of Jokes 1
A BAD VICE Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees, "The President Must Go!" written in urine across the snow. Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff's HQ, and yells, "Somebody wrote a threat in the snow on the front lawn! And they wrote it in urine! The person had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!" The security guys stood silently and stared ashamedly at the floor. Bill hollers, "Well dammit, don't just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT!! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!" The entire staff immediately jumps up and races for the exits. Later that evening, his chief security officer approached him and says, "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news, and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?" Clinton says, "Oh hell, give me the bad news first." The officer says, "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Al Gore's urine." Clinton says, "Oh my God, I feel so....so....so....betrayed! My own Vice President! Damn....Well, what's the really bad news?" The officer replies, "Well sir, it was in Hillary's handwriting."
Fun at the Big K Things to do at Kmart while the spouse is taking his/her sweet time shopping.
TIME WILL TELL A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains. "What's it telling you now?" she asks. "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!" The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
Quick Comebacks to use in your neighborhood tavern... What's shaking? What's new? What'd you like? Hey, how's the world been treating you? What's the story? Hey, there's a cold one waiting for you. What's going on? Whatcha up to? How's life treating you? What's going down? Pour you a beer? What's the story? What's going on?
The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage about 20 minutes during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a qui ck one. After slamming several beers in quick succession (as bass violinists are prone to do), one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!" "No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion. "Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."
A small West Virginia Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species.So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition; would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500. Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said. "I ain't gonna kiss her. Second, you cain't never tell nobody 'bout this." The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition. "Well," said Ed. "You've gotta give me a coupla weeks to come up with the five hundred bucks."
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. (like groovy, man) Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer, ya know. Glibido: All talk and no action. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an ass.
Bumper stickers seen this weekend... You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me I have the body of a god... Buddha This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult The face is familiar but I can't quite remember my name Illiterate? Write for help Honk if anything falls off He who hesitates is not only lost but miles from the next exit This isn't my idea of a good time It's been lovely, but I have to scream now Uniquely maladjusted, but fun This bumper sticker exploits illiterates I haven't lost my mind it's backed up on disk somewhere Oh, evolve! Gone crazy. Be back shortly If you're not outraged you're not paying attention
SHE WAS SO BLONDE THAT...
IF A DOG WERE YOUR TEACHER, you would learn stuff like...When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. When it's in your best interest-practice obedience. Let others know when they've invaded your territory. Take naps and stretch before rising. Run, romp, and play daily. Thrive on attention and let people touch you. Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do. On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass. On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree. When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body. No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout... run right back and make friends. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough. Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
Interesting Descriptions This Man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching. A room-temperature IQ. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus A prime candidate for natural deselection. Bright as Alaska in December. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled. Takes him and hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby. And finally.... Men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
Love and marriage Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits, and then complain that he's not the man she married? When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one. Marriage is one long conversation, checkered by disputes. No human being believes that any other human being has a right to be in bed when he himself is up. If you have a job without aggravations, you don't have a job. Grandchildren don't make a man feel old; it's the knowledge that he's married to a grandmother. Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up. Many a women who thinks she has purchased a dress for the ridiculous price has actually bought it for an absurd figure.
We wouldn't tell you how to live But we do suggest that you Never... argue with a fool...people may not be able to tell you apart. do card tricks for the group you play poker with. get into a fight with an ugly person. They have nothing to lose. make the same mistake twice... There are so many new ones to make! play leapfrog with a unicorn. question your spouse's judgement...look whom they married.
Isn't it strange that the same people who laugh at gypsy fortune-tellers take economists seriously.
Things we wonder... If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? Five out of four people have trouble with fractions. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"? Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? People seem to read the Bible a whole lot as they get older it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.
MECHANICAL PROBLEMS An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy." "Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home." "That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!" Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" "He said the reflector is broken." "I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" "I'm not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake..."
A LIGHTER LOOK AT MARRIAGE Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" When a newly married man looks happy, we know why.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted".
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Random Thoughts... Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. I intend to live forever - so far, so good. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb! Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
The Teethbrush Research had been going on for many years as to the invention of the toothbrush. Researchers knew the purpose of the device, wanted to know and acknowledge the originating location. After a very long and exasperating study the researchers came to their conclusion as to the origin of the toothbrush. It was decided that the brush was invented in Maine. Intrigued with the discovery, the researchers were asked by the media how they came to the conclusion. They all agree it was simple deduction, "if it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush."
The CIA A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances" they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well", says the CIA man, "You're definitely not the right man for this job then." So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
Actual quotes from (actual) Texas politicians:
IDIOTS AT WORK: I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
Very Handy During the final exam, the professor noticed that Billy Walters kept looking at his hand before writing down an answer on his test. This went on throughout the entire exam, leaving the professor no other choice than to interrogate the student's test-taking habit. "Mr. Walters," the professor began. "Is there something interesting written on your palm?" "Not at all," Billy replied. "It's all pretty boring."
One Unhappy Juror Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case? Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long. Judge: Can't they do without you at work? Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
Hot Phone A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?" "The jerk called back!"
The First Man On Mars The US finally sent the first manned space mission to Mars. The spacecraft gently touched down and the astronaut descended and tested the atmosphere. Low and behold it was safe for people to breathe. He removed his space suit and exited the spacecraft. He was amazed to find himself in a lush green valley surrounded with beautiful wooded hills. He hiked for some distance and came upon a beautiful little white cottage with a lush green lawn surrounded by a white picket fence like something out of Better Homes and Gardens. He walked up to the front door and found it open. He walked inside, looked around and hearing noises from the kitchen he went back there. WOW, to his amazement he saw the most beautiful blonde he had ever seen standing over a large pot on the stove. Inside the pot was a gooey mess that she was stirring with a large spoon. As he watched she kept stirring and stirring. After a couple hours he finally asked her what she was doing. She replied that she was having a baby. He was quite skeptical but after a couple more hours of stirring she reached down into the gooey mess and pulled out a beautiful baby girl. He told her that was really amazing but that was not the way it was done on Earth. She replied "How do you do it on Earth?" With a twinkle in his eyes he said come on back to the bedroom and I'll show you. After an hour of the wildest sex he had ever experienced he lay back exhausted and lit up a cigarette. She said "Well where is the baby." He said "Oh that takes nine months." She replied, "Well why did you stop stirring."
BEER TROUBLESHOOTING SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers: WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember). WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter and more handsome than some really, really big guy named FRANZ. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
FOOD (or Beer) FOR THOUGHT A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular attrition of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. This is why you always feel smarter after a few beers!
Blondes Strike back! What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette? Brown-bagging it. What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure? No one else wants it. Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners? So brunettes can remember them. What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes? Invisible. What's a brunette's mating call? "Has the blonde left yet?" What do brunettes miss most about a great party? The invitation What do you call a good looking man with a brunette? A hostage
When I was in junior-high, all I wanted was a girl with great figure. In high school, I dated a girl with great figure, but there was no passion.So, I decided I needed a passionate girl. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency and she cried all the time. So, I decided I needed a girl with some stability. I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So, I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So, I decided to find a girl with some ambition. After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. But, she was so ambitious that she soon divorced me and took everything I owned. Now, all I want is a girl with great figure!
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago.""Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell." "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is." her mother replied.
Wrong Way As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Highway 280. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
Old Times College Grad: God, I long for my college days. College Student: What was your favorite part about college? College Grad: I miss the classes. College Student: That's what I love about school. College Grad: Going to classes? College Student: Nope. Missing them.
More Practice Needed Harold and Jake are sitting at their favorite bar sharing a pitcher. Harold, noticing Jake's solemn expression, asks what's wrong. Jake grabs his stomach and shakes his head. "Now that I'm getting fatter I am starting to understand what it means to live with imperfection." "Starting!" Harold exclaimed. "What do you call those twenty years of marriage?"
Naval OperationsThe following is an actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations: #1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision. #2: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to south to avoid a collision. #1: This is the captain of a U. S. navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. #2: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. #1. THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE. WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE U. S. NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW! #2. This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Volunteer Fire TruckA fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made. The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily-controlled parts. Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. "That ought to be obvious, " he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"
A FREE RIDE Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Stumpy and Martha agree and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars." |
Nightime Tele-Tubbies
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