Gunney's Sack of Jokes 4


Little Known Facts

  • The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter pilots in the South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."
  • Coca-Cola was originally green.
  • If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
  • The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
  • Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
  • Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
  • Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
  • City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong
  • State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
  • Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
  • Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
  • Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
  • Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.
  • Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
  • The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
  • The youngest pope was 11 years old.
  • First novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
  • The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments
  • Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades - King David, Clubs - Alexander the Great, Hearts - Charlemagne, and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
  • 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
  • Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
  • "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
  • Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
  • The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
  • The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
  • The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
  • No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl.
  • The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League all-stars Game.
  • How about this.... The nursery rhyme Ring Around the Rosey is a rhyme about the plague. Infected people with the plague would get red circular sores ("Ring around the rosey..."), these sores would smell very badly so common folks would put flowers on their bodies somewhere (inconspicuously), so that it would cover the smell of the sores ("...a pocket full of posies..."), People who died from the plague would be burned so as to reduce the possible spread of the disease ("...ashes, ashes, we all fall down!")

 

A middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance guy to clean one of the mirrors.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.

Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

 

Bull Fight

 An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are the bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serving yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

 

A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin. Somebody asked her how that could be possible.
"Well," she said. "The first time I married an octogenarian and he died before we could consummate the marriage."
"The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our wedding day."
"The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be."

 

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband has passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN.
EVERYTHING IS PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE!

 

Three men go to the gates of heaven after they die and they speak to God. God tells the three men that they will need transportation around Heaven. The type of transportation you have depends on how faithful you were to your spouse.

So the first man walks up to God and God asks the first man, "Were you faithful to your wife?"

The first man replied, "Yes, well, I may have cheated on her once."
God asked the first man, "Exactly how many times did you cheat on her?"
The man says, "OK, I cheated on her 11 times." So God gave the man a used Chevy.

Then God asked the second man the same question and the second man answered, "I cheated on my wife 5 times." So God gave the man a Honda Accord.

Then God asked the third man the same question. The third man replied, "I have never cheated on my wife. I have always been completely faithful to her." So God gave this man a beautiful convertible Mercedes, and he was the envy of the other men in his bea
All the other men were jealous, but they knew that they got what they deserved.

One day while on the road, the first two men saw the third man driving in his Mercedes looking very upset so they pulled up next to him and the first man asked, "What's wrong? You have a gorgeous car! You should be having the best time of all three of us.

The third man just looked down the road and said, "I just passed my wife on roller skates."

 

Two teenagers wander off to the bushes during a softball game on the outskirts of town and start necking. After a while the boy stops. "You know we've been doing this for a few weeks now and I think it's time we went all the way," he pleads.

"Well, maybe," she says, "But I'm a virgin and I heard it hurts. Besides all those people at the field may hear us."

The boy stops and says, "Hmmm, well then if it hurts, start making cow sounds, and I'll stop. But if it feels good start singing. That way no one will ever guess what we're really doing."

The girl agrees so they quickly take off their clothes and get down to business.

Minutes later people watching the game hear sounds echoing through the quiet countryside so loudly that the teams stop playing.

"Moooo ..... Moooooo ...... Moooooooon River .......!"

 

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."

"Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house."

The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a
two-story house?"

The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other
story is 'It's that time of the month.'"

 

10 Reasons Why You Should Ask Your Boss For A Raise

  1. You take your paycheck to the bank and the teller bursts out in hysterical laughter.
  2. The Red Cross calls and offers you emergency assistance.
  3. Your only charge cards are for the Salvation Army, ARC, and DAV thrift stores.
  4. You work full time and you still qualify for food stamps.
  5. You empty out your piggy bank and then cook the bank and serve it for your Easter ham.
  6. All you can think about morning, noon and night is clipping grocery coupons.
  7. You file your income taxes and the IRS returns them stamped, "Charity Case -- Return To Sender."
  8. You set the world record for mailing $1.00 rebate requests to Young America, Minnesota.
  9. You pay all your bills, put your remaining $1 bill into your billfold and it goes into shock.
  10. You get arrested for taking the coins out of the fountain in the mall.

 

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Good: Your husband is not talking to you.
Bad: He wants a divorce.
Ugly: He's a lawyer.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You give "the birds and the bees" talk to your 14-year-old daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections

 

PEANUTS

A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie." Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty, except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later, the voice said, "Beautiful shirt."
At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey, I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us."
"It's the peanuts," answered the bartender.
"Say what?" replied the man in disbelief.
"You heard me," said the barkeep. "It's the peanuts... they're complimentary."

 

THE JUMPER

A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o'clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge. The brunette turns to the blonde and says, "I bet you $50 the man is going to jump."
The blonde replies, "Okay you're on." Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50.
The brunette says, "I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then."
"No, you have to take it," says the blonde. "I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again."

 

How to Fix Dents

A blonde was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hail storm. Huge hail stones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving it full of dents. She drove to the body shop and asked what she should do.
The body man explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least $4,000 to repair.
She said that was too much and asked if there was some other way to fix it.
The body man decided to have a little fun and said, "Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out." She decided to give it a try before spending that much money.
She drove home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when her blonde neighbor came over to visit.
"What are you doing?" she shrieked thinking the worst and thankful that she may have just prevented her friend from committing suicide.
"I'm blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out of my car," explained the first
blonde.
"Well silly, it's not going to work," replied her neighbor.
"Why not?" asked the first blonde.
"Because you've got to roll up the windows first."

 

Some Random Thoughts

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

 

Blonde on First Class

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what should he do.
The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

 

Exercise - Pick your motto:

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now, & we don't know where the heck she is.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently, you have to show up.

I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass

 

THE PARROTS

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible.

My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

 

ZOO STORY

Kimo is a bus driver for the Honolulu Transit Company. One day Kimo is headed to work on his bus route, when he runs across a delivery van stranded at the side of the road. The van driver works for the Honolulu Zoo. He pleads with Kimo to do him a favor.

He offers a $100 bill to Kimo to help him deliver a truckload of penguins to the zoo, because they needed to be there within the hour. Agreeing, Kimo proceeds to load two dozen penguins onto his bus. Then, off they drive towards the zoo.

An hour later, the delivery driver gets his van fixed and heads off to the zoo to catch up with his delivery. As he's driving down the road, he see's Kimo and the busload of penguins heading
in the opposite direction. He turns his van around and chases in pursuit. He finally catches up to the bus and pulls over Kimo on the side of the road. In an irate voice he asks, "Hey, Kimo. I thought I gave you a $100 dollars to go and take the penguins to the zoo for me?"

"Calm down," Kimo says. "I took the penguins to the zoo. We had change left over, so now I'm taking them to the movies!"

 

CALMING A BEAST

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"

"No problem," replies the young man, "just get that lion out of the way."

 

WORDS OF WIT AND WISDOM

In just two days tomorrow will be yesterday. But I never saw either on the calendar

Always wanted to be a procrastinator, but never got around to it.

My friend has kleptomania, but when it gets bad, he takes something for it.

Never be afraid to try something new, remember amateurs built the ark - Professionals built the Titanic.

Love is grand - divorce is a hundred grand.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common, they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

One of life's mysteries - How can a two pound box of candy make a person gain five pounds.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

 

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

Compliment her,
respect her,
honor her,
cuddle her,
kiss her, caress her,
love her, stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
hold her,
go to the ends of the Earth for her.


HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

Show up naked.
Bring food.

 

BUBBA & EARL

Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock!
We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said.
"We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."

 

HUSBANDRY

Two women were in a hair salon talking about their home lives when the subject of flighty husbands came up. "It's unbelievable," one woman said. "I can never figure out where he goes at night."

"I know exactly what you mean," said the other woman. "One second he's in the house, and the next he's gone without a trace."

"Well," says a woman eavesdropping nearby. "I always know where my husband is."

"How do you manage that?" the other two women ask.

"Easy," she replies. "I'm a widow."

 

CITY TALK

A girl from Texas and a girl from New York were seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from Texas, being friendly and all, said:

"So, where y'all from?"

The New York girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and then replied:

"So, where y'all from, bitch?"

 

IDIOTS STAND UP

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up," said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

 

SOUP DU JOUR

A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?"

"Chili," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl."

The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him
was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten.

"Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked.

"No, help yourself," replied his neighbor.

The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl.

The man sitting next to him says, "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too."

 

Q AND A

Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception.

Q. What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS from every other TV show?
A. No theme song.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace.

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand

Q. What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.

Q. This is the only food that doesn't spoil.
A. Honey

Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year.
A. Father's Day

Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic?
A. He was allergic to carrots

Q. An activity of 40% of all people at a party
A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.

 

MAKES YOU WONDER

Can you imagine working for the following company?

It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:

  • 29 have been accused of spousal abuse.
  • 7 have been arrested for fraud
  • 19 have been accused of passing bad checks.
  • 117 have bankrupted at least two businesses.
  • 3 have been arrested for assault.
  • 71 cannot get credit or loans due to bad credit histories.
  • 14 have been arrested on drug related charges.
  • 8 have been arrested for shoplifting.
  • 21 are current defendants on various lawsuits.
In 1998 alone , 84 were stopped for drunk driving.

Can you guess what organization this is? Give up?

It is the 535 members of the U.S. Congress that work for me and you. The same group that cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.

 

THE IRATE CUSTOMER

For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. It's a classic! In tribute to those special customers we all love!

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.
"May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, F*** you!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

 

THE IDIOT'S GUIDE TO SEX (PART VI)

  1. Eating Mexican food is not the cause of gonorrhea.
  2. There is no need for dice in role playing.
  3. Intercourse doesn't happen on a highway.
  4. If you engage in oral sex first, it's not called a head start.
  5. If she says she's into "bondage," don't show her your financial portfolio.
  6. You can lie down during a one-night stand.
  7. When a woman talks about waiting for the "right time", she's not referring to a commercial break.
  8. Only sleep with someone you love or can say you love without smirking.
  9. Making out doesn't mean getting your money's worth.
  10. Sex is like "The Club" - Accept no substitutes.

 

THE RAINCOAT

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put if over her cigarette and continued smoking.

Lady 1: "What's That?"
Lady 2: "A condom."
Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"
Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day, Lady 1 hobbled into the local drugstore and announced to the phyarmacist that she wanted a package of condoms. The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, in her 80's), but politely asked what brand she preferred.

"Doesn't matter," she replied "as long as it fits a Camel."

 

The Blonde and the Cute Sheep

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.
Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?" The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!"
The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352." This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."
The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.
When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"

 

STRESS MANAGEMENT

Last week I went to a seminar called *Stress and Disease by Dr. Nickolas Hall, an expert in psychobiology. He gave an example of a coping skill for job stress which I would like to share with you.

When you have had one of those TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT days, try this.

On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by *Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed.

Open the package containing the thermometer and remove the thermometer and carefully place it on the bed side table so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that *every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested.

Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company."

 

YK2 BLONDE

To: My Boss
From: Secretary
Subject: Changing Calendars from Y2K

Sir,

I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the company calendar for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to

Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk

Also changed were the following:

Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak

We are now Y to K compliant and kou can pick up kour calendar.

Kour Secretark

P.S. I had the printers send a compank calendar to all of our associates with the following header on our letterhead stationark, "The compank that is Y to K compliant for the next centurk"

I know this shows initiative on mk part and kou are welcome. Have a good weekend.

 

RISQUE PURCHASE

Trying to make up for bad behavior, Bill Clinton went to the shopping mall to buy Hillary a gift. "I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," he says eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."

"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his. "Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours." "Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl inquired, as she wrapped the gloves. "Now that you mention it," Bill replied, "she also needs a bra and panties."

 

THE DESERT ISLE

One day this man, who has been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and asks, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!" he says. She unzips a waterproof pocket on her sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes a long drag and says

"Man, oh man!" "Is that ever good!"

She then asks him, "How long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" Trembling, he replies, "Ten Years!" With that, she unzips her waterproof pocket on her other sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that was absolutely fantastic!"

Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

The guy, with tears in his eyes, replies, "Oh my God!" "Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"

 

ANNIVERSARY PRESENT

Morris wanted to get his beautiful, blonde wife Sherry something nice for their first wedding anniversary. He decided to buy her a cell phone. Their anniversary came and he gave Sherry the phone. She loved it. He explained to her all the features on the phone. The next day Sherry, the blonde, goes shopping.

Her phone rings and it's her husband Morris, "Hi hon," he says, "How do you like your new phone?"

"I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand. How did you know I was at the beauty parlor?"

 

Here's to Dublin

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he can buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks, "Where are you from."
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds, "You don't say, I'm from Ireland, too. Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin", comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man, "I'm from Dublin, too. Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks "What school did you go to?"
"St. Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable," the first man says. "I went to St. Mary's and graduated in '62, also."
About this time comes in one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's going on," he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender, "the O'Malley twins are drunk again."

 

Guinness

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness.

Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer and continued drinking it. The Irishman too picked the fly out of his drink, held it over the beer and started yelling "spit it out you bastard."

 

GEORGE CARLINisms

  • How come wrong numbers are never busy?
  • Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
  • Does that screwdriver belong to Phillip?
  • Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
  • Does killing time damage eternity?
  • Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
  • Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
  • Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
  • Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
  • Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
  • Why is the third hand on a clock called the second hand?
  • Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
  • Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?
  • Daylight savings time why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
  • Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
  • Do pilots take crash-courses?
  • Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
  • Do you think when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
  • Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
  • How can there be self-help "groups"?
  • How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
  • How many weeks are there in a light year?
  • If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his walkman?
  • If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear ear muffs?
  • If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
  • If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
  • If swimming is good for your shape, then why do whales look the way they do?
  • If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
  • If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
  • If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
  • If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
  • If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
  • Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
  • Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?
  • Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game", when we are already there?
  • Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

 

How to tell if your ass is too small.

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