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Gunney's Sack of Jokes 2
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DARWIN AWARDS As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who contribute to the gene pool by dying in spectacularly stupid ways.POTENTIAL 1999 AWARD CANDIDATES: In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned out when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a 200-foot-high cliff on his daily run. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest that Berrena was wearing. Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles. DARWIN AWARD - HONORABLE MENTIONS In Guthrie, Okla, in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his 22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole, and hit his pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull. In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house. Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed. In Betulia, Colombia, an annual festival in November includes five days of amateur bullfighting. This year, no bull was killed, but dozens of matadors were injured, including one gored in the head, and one Bobbittized. Said one participant, "It's just one bull against [a town of] a thousand morons." AND THE WINNER: PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zoo-keeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs, and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say that the ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive-oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time, the keeper suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that happen."
HOT ENOUGH FOR YOU? May 30th: Just moved to Phoenix, Arizona. Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts blended together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here. June 14th: Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper. June 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here. July 10th: The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's a dry heat. Getting used to it is taking longer than I expected. July 15th: Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though: got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this. July 20th: I missed Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and shit. No more pets in this heat! July 25th: Dry #@*&$!% heat, my ass. Hot is hot!! The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts. July 30th: Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. $1,500 in house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here? Aug 4th: 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. Stupid repairman pissed in my pool. I Hate this #@*&$!% state. Aug 8th: If another wise-ass cracks, "Hot enough for you today?", I'm going to tear his #@*&$!% throat out. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like Roasted #@*&$!% Garfield!! Aug 10th: The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to #@*& for two months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this barren damn desert? Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so $1,700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the #@*&$!% pool. Even a cactus can't live in this heat. Aug 14th: Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 123 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the #@*&$!% windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail. Aug 30th: Worst day of the damn summer. I'm not leaving the house. The #@*&$!% monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell. The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in Mexico with its new $500 windshield. That does it, we're moving back to Minnesota for some peace and quiet. At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean responded to investigations into the basketball team by suspending any basketball player who wasn't maintaining a passing average. Furious, the coach came storming into the dean's office, followed by one of his star players. "You can't keep him from playing!" the coach roared. "We won't win this weekend without him!" "I don't care," the dean said. "Things have gotten out of hand at this college." "What do you mean, out of hand?" the coach demanded. "I'll show you what I mean," the dean said. He turned to the basketball player and said, "Tell me,how much is six times seven?" The player thought for several seconds. Then he said, "Thirty- one?" The dean turned to the coach and said, "I rest my case." "Oh, come on now," the coach said. "Why are you making such a big deal of it? After all, he only missed it by one."
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Daily AffirmationsI no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed. A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia. Today, I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so." I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain. As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault. I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all. Joan of Arc heard voices too. When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying. The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things. Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone. I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at. A young ventriloquist is touring the South and stops to entertain at a bar in Texas. He's going through his usual stupid Redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says "I've heard just about enough of your smart ass hillbilly jokes; we ain't all stupid here in the South." Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to the smart ass little fella on your knee!" One day, Hanson and the Spice Girls were all on an airplane, and they get into a discussion when Baby Spice stated "You know, I could toss a thousand dollars out the window of this plane and make one person very happy." Then, the oldest Hanson brother said, "Well, I could toss ten one hundred dollar bills out the plane and make ten people happy." Then Sporty Spice said, "Well, I could toss one hundred, ten dollar bills out, and make one hundred people happy!" Then the middle Hanson brother very proudly said, "Well, I could toss one thousand, one dollar bills out the window and make one thousand people happy!" Sick of the discussion, another passenger said, "Well, I have a better idea, I could toss all of you out the window and make the entire world happy!" A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." There was a doctor who was the most respected in town. He wanted more time with his family, so he decided to clone himself to cut down on his work load. He was very successful. No one could tell that they were being examined by a clone and not the real doctor. After a while, the clone became vulgar and he would tell his patients dirty jokes. The doctor realized all of this and decided that he needed to kill the clone to save his name. He took the clone to a cliff outside of town and pushed him off. The next day, however, the police found out and arrested the doctor for making an OBSENE CLONE FALL. The phone rings at KGB headquarters. "Hello?" "Hello, is this KGB?" "Yes. What do you want?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood." "This will be noted." Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave. The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house. "Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?" "Yes." "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yes, they did." "Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed." A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, 'I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here.' The string walked away and sat down with his friends. A few minutes later he walked back up to the bar and ordered a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, 'I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here.' So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar. His friends think that he's crazy. So, he orders a beer. The bartender squints at him and says, 'Hey, aren't you a string?' And the string says, 'Nope, I'm a frayed knot.'
DIET TIPSIf no one sees you eat it, it has no calories. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out. When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount. Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, brandy, Sara Lee Cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Daz Ice Cream. Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage. If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count. If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off. Food eaten at Christmas parties has no calories, courtesy of Santa. STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a women? Because when it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" and I said, "Dust!"
Answering Machine MessagesPlease feel free to try these Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. Hi. John's answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you. This is not an answering machine, this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call. Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back. If you are a burglar, then we're probably home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us. Hello, you've reached Jim & Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up & down, and I like doing it left to right .......real slow......... So leave a message, and when we get done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
Out Of The Mouths Of Parents!The following is a list with actual notes from parents (including spelling) to school offices: *My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. *Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. *Dear school: Please ekscuse John being ansent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32,and 33. *Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak. *Sally win't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral. *My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines. *Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. As I said before,
I swear we do not make these upIn Phoenix, Arizona the law states that every man who enters the city limits mus t wear pants. In Hackberry, Arizona there is a law that prohibits women from eating raw onionswhile drinking buttermilk on Sunday. In some parts of the south, a widow or divorced woman isn't allowed to dry her underwear on the front porch or on a clothesline before the sun goes down. In some parts of the south, women aren't allowed to eat pickles with their feet up on porch railings. It is illegal to mispronounce the name of the state of Arkansas while within the state. The state legislature passed a law that the Arkansas River can raise no higher than the Main Street bridge in Little Rock. Florida prohibits topless walking within a 150 foot zone between the beach and t he street. In Florida it is illegal to jog with your eyes closed. In Willowdale, Oregon no man may curse while having sex with his wife. It is illegal to eat oranges while bathing in California. In Kentucky, it is illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your back pocket. In Fairbanks, Alaska it is illegal to give beer to a moose. A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures--the whole thingis just a mess. An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away. After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer, we're looking for the height and he gives us the length."
THE PERFECT HUSBANDA rich, lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life, so she placed a personal ad that read: RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications. Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?" "Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away." The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?" To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
CRITICAL THINKINGA teacher was helping her students with a math problem. She recited the following story: "There are three birds sitting on a wire. A hunter shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left on the wire?" A boy pauses. "None," he replied thoughtfully. "No, no, no, let's try again," the teacher says patiently. She holds up three fingers. "There are three birds sitting on a wire. A hunter shoots one," she puts down one finger, "how many birds are left on the wire?" "None!" the boy says with authority. The teacher sighs. "Tell me how you came up with that." "It's simple," says the boy, "after the gunman shot one bird, he scared the other two away." "Well," she says, "it's not technically correct, but I like the way you think." "Okay," chimes the boy, "now let me ask you a question. There are three women sitting on a bench eating popsicles. One woman is licking the popsicle, one woman is biting the popsicle, and one is sucking the popsicle. Which one is married?" he asked. The teacher looked at the boy's angelic face and she writhed in agony, turning three shades of red. "C'mon," the boy said impatiently, "One is licking the popsicle, one is biting and one is sucking. Which one is married?" "Well," she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied, "the one who's sucking?" "No," he says with surprise, "the one with the wedding ring on. But I like the way you think!"
My Favorite T-Shirt Slogans"Filthy, Stinking Rich -- Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad" "Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair" "Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time" "Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam" -- seen on Cape Cod "Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-law on a Milk Carton" "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" - (seen on an 8 year old) "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up" "Procrastinate Now" "Rehab Is for Quitters" "My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse - He Couldn't Do Better and I Couldn't Do Worse" "My Dog Can Lick Anyone" "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts -- Do You Want Fries With That?" "Party -- My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt) "Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15" "If a woman's place is in the home WHY AM I ALWAYS IN THIS CAR!" "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING" "West Virginia: One Million People, Fifteen Last Names" "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software." "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN" "A hangover is the wrath of grapes" "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance" "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!" "DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music" "Where there's a will I want to be in it" "MOOSEHEAD: A great beer and a new experience for a moose" "They call it 'PMS' because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken" "How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?" "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead" "Time's fun when you're having flies.......Kermit the Frog" "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN ....Cops have nothing to go on."
The Top 20 T-Shirt Slogans Of 1999
The crime boss and his attorney meet with his accountant. "Where's the $3 million you embezzled from me?" demands the gangster. The accountant is silent. "Where's my $3 million?" the crime boss shouts. The lawyer explains, "Sir, the man is deaf. Allow me to translate." So using sign language, the attorney asks the accountant about the money, and the message is relayed back that the accountant knows nothing about it. Furious, the crime boss pulls out a revolver and puts it to the deaf accountant's head, screaming at the lawyer," Ask him again where my money is!" "Okay! Okay!" the deaf accountant signs back. "The money's hidden behind the old toolshed in my back yard." "What did he say?" demands the enraged crime boss. The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger." A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworker, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500. The blonde says, "Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb.
Even more things to think about...Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? If procrastinators had a club would they ever have a meeting? Just one letter makes all the difference between here and there? If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same? If you crossed a chicken with a zebra would you get a four-legged chicken with its own barcode? If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit? Is it possible to have deja vu and amnesia at the same time? Days such as 4-13-89 have both even and odd digits, thus, it is neither odd nor even. The next Odd day will be 1-1-3111, which is well over a thousand years away, which we will never see. The next even day will be 2-2-2000, the first one since 8-28-888.
You Might Be A Redneck If...You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People." You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!" You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.' You go to a family reunion to pick up chicks You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare. You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines." The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it. One of your kids was born on a pool table. Your dog and wallet are on the same chain. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it. You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos." Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
Words of WisdomA girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, 'come on in' The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents ar e seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
THINGS MEN KNOW:
Computer AcronymsPCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics WWW - World Wide Wait COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language CD-ROM - Consumer Device - Rendered Obsolete in Months OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too. MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers LISP - Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis RISC - Reduced Into Silly Code SCSI - System Can't See It DOS - Defective Operating System BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control IBM - I Blame Microsoft DEC - Do Expect Cuts
THINGS WE WONDERWhy are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"? Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? Why is there only one Monopolies commission? How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead? If we're not supposed to drink and drive, then why do bars have parking lots? MECHANICAL PROBLEMSAn Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy." "Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home." "That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!" Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" "He said the reflector is broken." "I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" "I'm not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake..."
TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOU'VE BOUGHT A CHEAP CAR
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