Gunney's Sack of Jokes 3
The Perfect Worker
Addendum: That idiot was standing over my
shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today.
Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines. Everybody wants to be a Smart Guy Here are some lines to help you answer that Smart Guy... I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know? I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!" My Reality Check bounced. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Signs of the times...Sign in a Laundromat Sign in a London department store: In an office: In an office: Outside a secondhand shop: Notice in health food shop window: Spotted in a safari park: Seen during a conference: Notice in a field: Message on a leaflet: Sign on a repair shop door: Spotted in a toilet in a London office
block: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW Useless FactsAmericans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day. You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider? The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death. Butterflies taste with their feet. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. Starfishes haven't got brains. Tips for Managers and BossesNever give me work in the morning. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I am psychic. Do your best to keep me late. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell. Tell me all your little problems. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. A guy wanted to buy a gift
for his new girl friend's birthday and as they had only started dating, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: personal, but not too personal. The guy sent the package to the girl friend with the following note: PS: The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
In a small Southern town there was a nativity scene that indicated great skill and talent in its creation. One small feature bothered me though. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a particular passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'"
One Friday morning,
a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class.
There once was a lady named Bright
This story is about a rather
strange reply for a campground reservation. It is said to be true, but you be the judge.
Most Important QuestionDuring my second month of nursing school,
our professor gave us a pop quiz.
Pickup in the RainOne night, at 11:30 PM, an older African
American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rain storm. Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole Always remember those who serveIn the days when an ice cream sundae cost
much less, a 10 year old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table.
A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. What is at The beginning of eternity, The end of time and space, The Letter E
Men with pierced ears are better prepared
for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. Things for your consideration... Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely. If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts. Life's golden age is when the kids are too
old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car.
A man takes the day off
work and decides to go out golfing. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. "And that, your honor, is how the girl
ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William
Jefferson Clinton."
You Might Be a Caffeine Addict if...Starbucks has decided to use you as their official mascot. You've ever carried your coffee cup into the shower with you in the morning. You regard the fact that your hands are shaking as a good sign. Your birthday is a national holiday in Colombia. You go to sleep just to wake up and smell the coffee. Your coffee pot is next to your bed and your alarm clock is in the kitchen. You've ever used the airplane's Call button just to get a coffee refill. You can't remember the last time you blinked. The dishes in your house are all coffee cups. Your dog's name is Folgers. You see nothing wrong with using water joe (caffeinated water) to make the coffee you use to take your no-doze. You could live in a desert like a hermit, eating bugs for food, as long as you had enough coffee beans with you. You dip your own espresso beans. PRICES VARY Right now thousands of agitated, irate women have read that headline and are contemplating similar action against you the next time you make an unwanted sexual advance, look at them the wrong way, or just upset them in general!! MEN PROTECT YOURSELVES NOW!! If you found yourself a victim of CDS (Chop and Drop Syndrome) could you be sure the appropriate authorities would find your chopped member in time and intact? Could you be sure the penis part they found was yours? Inquire now about our low-cost PenisProtectionPlan! * Plan 1: We'll register your penis and scrotum, plus tattoo them with their own unique registration number, ensuring that in case of separation, you will get a perfect match every time. Plan 2: Our Jurassic prick program. We'll take a cell sample from your penis and clone replacement parts for you in the event a trailer-tractor runs over your penis, or some wild animal mistakes your detached member for a chew toy. Plan 3: For those of you who believe in prevention, we offer a one size fits all, battery-operated, stainless steel jockstrap that can be worn when necessary. When you are asleep an alarm will be activated when metal or other hazardous objects come within one foot of the jockstrap. This will guarantee you a full nights sleep, free of worry. Don't get caught short... Call 1-800-SAV-A-DIC today!!!!! Remember ... the dick you save could be your own!! * PRICES VARY ACCORDING TO SIZE. DARWIN AWARDS If you haven't heard of them, the Darwin
Awards are given out each year to those who kill themselves in
stupid ways and thus keep from propogating their inferior
intelligence genes. DARWIN AWARD RUNNERS-UP: #1 - LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and
his brother decided to remove a bees' nest from a shed on their #2 - Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more traditional revolver) to Ken's head and fired. #3 - PHILLIPSBURG, NJ. An unidentified 29 year old male choked to death on a sequined pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a local establishment. "I didn't think he was going to eat it," the dancer identified only as "Ginger" said, adding "He was really drunk." #5 - MOSCOW, Russia-A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bulletproof vest to see if it would protect him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the 25-year-old guard died of a heart wound. (It's good to see the Russians getting into the spirit of the Darwin Awards.) #6 - In FRANCE, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where he died of hypothermia. #7 - RENTON, WASHINGTON, USA. A Renton,
Washington man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his
first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous
record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as
listed below: AND THE 1999 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS..... THOMPSON, MANITOBA, CANADA. Telephone relay
company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed early
Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure. He
was apparently attempting to keep warm next to a
telecommunications feed-horn. Baker had been suspended on a
safety violation once last year, according to Northern Manitoba
Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke. She noted that Baker's
earlier infraction was for defeating a safety shut-off switch and
entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in order to He had told coworkers that it was the only way he could stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the station, where winter temperatures often dip to forty below zero. Microwaves can heat water molecules within human tissue in the same way that they heat food in microwave ovens. For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a twelve pack of beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned directly in line with the strongest microwave beam. Baker had not been told about a tenfold boost in microwave power planned that night to handle the anticipated increase in holiday long-distance calling traffic. Baker's body was discovered by the daytime
watchman, John Burns, who was greeted by an odor he mistook for a
Christmas roast he thought Baker must have prepared at surprise.
Burns also reported to NMSR company officials that Baker's
unfinished beers had exploded. COLLEGE ENTRANCE EXAM - FOOTBALL
PLAYERS' VERSION 1. What language is spoken in France? 2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau. 3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to 4. What religion is the Pope? 5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters? 6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5? 7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately) 8. What are people in America's far north
called? 9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton 10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five. 11. Where does rain come from? 12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of
Relativity? 13. What are coat hangers used for? 14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country? 15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS. 16. Where is the basement in a three story building located? 17. Which part of America produces the most
oranges? 18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have? 19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for? 20. The Cornell University tradition for
efficiency began When (approximately)? OUT OF AMMOAn 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No." The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at,"
replied the doctor. Guidelines for Enlightenment
by Swami Beyondananda
to me. That way, if we don't like the programming we're getting, we can simply change the channel. Because you've never heard of getting a good piece of elephant. Because they can lie without moving their lips. Chelsea. 2. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and did not know he hadever been shot. 3. They were in elementary school when the Persian Gulf War was waged. 4. Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression. 5. There has been only one Pope. They can only really remember one president. 6. They were only 10 when the Soviet Union broke apart and they do not remember the Cold War. 7. They have never feared a nuclear war. "The Day After" is a pill to them, not a movie. 8. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up. 9. Tianamen Square means nothing to them. 10. Their lifetime has always included AIDS. 11. Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic. 12. Atari predates them, as do vinyl record albums. 13. The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them. 14. They have never owned a record player. 15. They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of pong. 16. The original "Star Wars" look very fake to them, and they say the special effects are pathetic. 17. There have always been red M&M's, and blue ones are not new. There used to be beige ones? 18. They may have heard of an 8-track, but probably never have actually seen or heard one. 19. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old. 20. As far as they know, stamps have always cost at least 32 cents. 21. They have always had an answering machine. 22. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black and white TV. 23. They have always had cable TV. 24. There have always been VCR's, and they have no idea what Beta is. 25. They cannot fathom not having a remote control. 26. They were born the year after Walkmen were introduced by Sony. 27. Roller-skating has always meant "inline" for them. 28. The Tonight Show has always been with Jay Leno. 29. They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool. 30. Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave. 31. They have never seen Larry Bird Play, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a pro football player. 32. They never took a swim and thought about the movie "Jaws". 33. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as W.W.I, WW2 or even the Civil War. 34. They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran. 35. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are. 36. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. 37. They never heard: "Where's the beef?" I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or "de plane, de plane!" 38. They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is. 39. The Titanic was found? I thought we always knew where it was. 40. Michael Jackson has always looked the way he does now. 41. Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not musical groups. 42. McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers. 43. There has always been MTV. 44. Dial telephones???!?!?!?!?!? |
Viagra: Not just for people anymore!
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